melancholy and cool, kind of bittersweet
3 am. this anna nalick song plays over and over in my bump and tumble brain (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPxUxJ_ABlY) as i move the creativity from deep within my sacrum up through my fingers and only half-enjoy the inner dialogue i’m running about playing a board game tonight after work instead of watching more scrubs episodes. except that tonight is my first soccer game which is truly exciting as i hear that many of these over 30 women’s teams are ‘wives’ as it was put to me today, who have ‘watched their husbands play soccer.’ should be fascinating really, a marginally sardonic cultural experience of sorts that is, at least, getting me out of the PTO meeting at the elementary school where each time we meet we must wander about the cafeteria and talk to someone ‘new’ and then say something about that person out loud when the principal finally returns to the mic. though outgoing, and sometimes even known to be the spectacle, i still can’t find comfort in this activity. i find myself making my ‘oh shit’ face and whispering sarcastic comments about suddenly having to go to the bathroom and knowing that it’s so obvious i can get away with it. at least girl scout cookie season is over. next time i’m carrying a rifle.
the new mexico organics conference is being held here in las cruces this weekend for the first time either in a long time or ever, i can’t remember which, but it coincides with major movements, campaigns, and shifts happening in the very south of the state around food justice and food sovereignty and equitable spaces that were either so ridiculously misunderstood or hadn’t previously existed, i can’t remember which. everybody’s going all ‘sustainable’ crazy in the desert. maybe that’s my next blog? but i’m excited to be part of it, showing off the local to travelers from far and wide. we’ll do site visits to the community gardens that my sister and my colleagues are creatively giving birth to, that i write the grants for and promote, that the real community is designing and building - the ‘real’ - not that double speak ‘participatory’ stuff where the everyday people are given implements and told what to do but never really get to be part of the process. dirty work.
my closest girlfriends are spread out all over the world right now, far away from me, and i keep going over on my cell phone minutes which is doubly bad because at 35 i’m on my parents family plan and for so many more reasons than the obvious i need to get my own phone. resisting these things is getting me nowhere. i could possibly lull myself to sleep with bad television, but we have no television and i already watched all of the netflixs. i find the daily activity and supply list handed down to us by dominant society as the ‘supposed to do and supposed to have’ of our everyday reality does not coincide well with what i think i should be doing with my precious embodied experience on this planet, like figure out my accounts and ponder television and buy cars that mean you have to keep giving your checking account number out over the phone and wonder what to do with all the crap in my mailbox that arrives every day at 4, for example. i suppose there are people that i really miss and just wish all of the other stuff didn’t get in the way to seeing their beautiful faces, and maybe this is a just a little homage to the brilliant, strong goddesses in the world who touch my life.
here is where the escaped stream of consciousness ends for now. can’t decide if it’s too late to try to go back to sleep…
